Thought for the day

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who as the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. [Theodore Roosevelt]

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Vacation

This Blog Will be Mostly on vacation for the next 10 days

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Well Trained Dog - Language NSFW




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Kincade In Jail

The artist, 52, was arrested in Carmel on suspicion of drunken driving on June 11. He had originally pleaded not guilty to the charge.

Prosecutors said his blood-alcohol level was more than double the legal limit, which is considered an enhanced violation.

He was sentenced to 10 days in jail. He must also attend a nine-month DUI offender program, serve five years of informal court probation and was assessed a $1,846 fine.


Here is my favorite Kinkade painting 



















Thanks to J-Walk  for this one

FERLIN HUSKY & JEAN SHEPHARD - Dear John letter 2000

Still going strong. At the time of this filming Ferlin was 75 and Jean Shepherd was 67. Ten years later Jean is still performing and Ferlin is recovering from his 4th heart operation.


The kind of Home Alarm System That Works

Monday, December 20, 2010

A GIGGLE with the GOATS Jingle Bells Holiday Performance

The True Story of Rudolph


A man named Bob May, depressed and brokenhearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night.

His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bob's wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer Little Barbara couldn't understand why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad's eyes and asked, "Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?" Bob's jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob's life. Life always had to be different for Bob.

Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember. From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in the Chicago slums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938.

Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined to make one - a storybook! Bob had created an animal character in his own mind and told the animal's story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling. Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose. Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day. But the story doesn't end there.

The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print,_ Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer_ and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph. That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book.

In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter. But the story doesn't end there either.

Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore , it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry.  "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of "White Christmas."

The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad. In fact, being different can be a blessing.       

MERRY CHRISTMAS
2010

Marine Lt General Kelly

 This is the last half of a speech given on the Marine Corps birthday by Lt Gen Kelly.


As always around the birthday of the Marine Corps, November 10, it is common to highlight the legacy of the Marine Corps through the actions of those who bravely defended the country, or as Admiral Nimitz said after Iwo Jima, “Uncommon Valor was a Common Virtue.”

      General Kelly’s son died 4 days before this speech by an IED in Afghanistan while on his 3rd combat tour. He was a second lieutenant doing what lieutenants and NCO’s do – leading from the front and forward into the enemy. His name was Robert Kelly.

Where do we get such people?  We are most fortunate they walk among us and protect us.

      "I will leave you with a story about the kind of people they.. are about the quality of the steel in their back.. about the kind of dedication they bring to our country while they serve in uniform and forever after as veterans.  Two years ago when I was the Commander of all U.S. and Iraqi forces, in fact, the 22nd of April 2008, two Marine infantry battalions, 1/9 “The Walking Dead,” and 2/8 were switching out in Ramadi.  One battalion in the closing days of their deployment going home very soon, the other just starting its seven-month combat tour. Two Marines, Corporal Jonathan Yale and Lance Corporal Jordan Haerter, 22 and 20 years old respectively, one from each battalion, were assuming the watch together at the entrance gate of an outpost that contained a makeshift barracks housing 50 Marines.  The same broken down ramshackle building was also home to 100 Iraqi police, also my men and our allies in the fight against the terrorists in Ramadi, a city until recently the most dangerous city on earth and owned by Al Qaeda.  Yale was a dirt poor mixed-race kid from Virginia with a wife and daughter, and a mother and sister who lived with him and he supported as well.  He did this on a yearly salary of less than $23,000.  Haerter, on the other hand, was a middle class white kid from Long Island.  They were from two completely different worlds.  Had they not joined the Marines they would never have met each other, or understood that multiple America’s exist simultaneously depending on one’s race, education level, economic status, and where you might have been born.  But they were Marines, combat Marines, forged in the same crucible of Marine training, and because of this bond they were brothers as close, or closer, than if they were born of the same woman.    

      The mission orders they received from the sergeant squad leader I am sure went something like: “Okay you two clowns, stand this post and let no unauthorized personnel or vehicles pass.”  “You clear?”  I am also sure Yale and Haerter then rolled their eyes and said in unison something like: “Yes Sergeant,” with just enough attitude that made the point without saying the words, “No kidding sweetheart, we know what we’re doing.”  They then relieved two other Marines on watch and took up their post at the entry control point of Joint Security Station Nasser, in the Sophia section of Ramadi, Al Anbar, Iraq.  

      A few minutes later a large blue truck turned down the alley way-perhaps 60-70 yards in length-and sped its way through the serpentine of concrete jersey walls.  The truck stopped just short of where the two were posted and detonated, killing them both catastrophically. Twenty-four brick masonry houses were damaged or destroyed.  A mosque 100 yards away collapsed.  The truck’s engine came to rest two hundred yards away knocking most of a house down before it stopped.  Our explosive experts reckoned the blast was made of 2,000 pounds of explosives.  Two died, and because these two young infantrymen didn’t have it in their DNA to run from danger, they saved 150 of their Iraqi and American brothers-in-arms.  

      When I read the situation report about the incident a few hours after it happened I called the regimental commander for details as something about this struck me as different.  Marines dying or being seriously wounded is commonplace in combat.  We expect Marines regardless of rank or MOS to stand their ground and do their duty, and even die in the process, if that is what the mission takes.  But this just seemed different.  The regimental commander had just returned from the site and he agreed, but reported that there were no American witnesses to the event-just Iraqi police.  I figured if there was any chance of finding out what actually happened and then to decorate the two Marines to acknowledge their bravery, I’d have to do it as a combat award that requires two eye-witnesses and we figured the bureaucrats back in Washington would never buy Iraqi statements.  If it had any chance at all, it had to come under the signature of a general officer.

          I traveled to Ramadi the next day and spoke individually to a half-dozen Iraqi police all of whom told the same story.  The blue truck turned down into the alley and immediately sped up as it made its way through the serpentine.  They all said, “We knew immediately what was going on as soon as the two Marines began firing.”  The Iraqi police then related that some of them also fired, and then to a man, ran for safety just prior to the explosion.  All survived.  Many were injured…some seriously.  One of the Iraqis elaborated and with tears welling up said, “They’d run like any normal man would to save his life.”  “What he didn’t know until then,” he said, “and what he learned that very instant, was that Marines are not normal.”  Choking past the emotion he said, “Sir, in the name of God no sane man would have stood there and done what they did.”  “No sane man.”  “They saved us all.”    

      What we didn’t know at the time, and only learned a couple of days later after I wrote a summary and submitted both Yale and Haerter for posthumous Navy Crosses, was that one of our security cameras, damaged initially in the blast, recorded some of the suicide attack.  It happened exactly as the Iraqis had described it.  It took exactly six seconds from when the truck entered the alley until it detonated.   

      You can watch the last six seconds of their young lives.  Putting myself in their heads I supposed it took about a second for the two Marines to separately come to the same conclusion about what was going on once the truck came into their view at the far end of the alley.  Exactly no time to talk it over, or call the sergeant to ask what they should do.  Only enough time to take half an instant and think about what the sergeant told them to do only a few minutes before: “…let no unauthorized personnel or vehicles pass.”  The two Marines had about five seconds left to live.

      It took maybe another two seconds for them to present their weapons, take aim, and open up.  By this time the truck was half-way through the barriers and gaining speed the whole time.  Here, the recording shows a number of Iraqi police, some of whom had fired their AKs, now scattering like the normal and rational men they were-some running right past the Marines.  They had three seconds left to live.  

      For about two seconds more, the recording shows the Marines’ weapons firing non-stop…the truck’s windshield exploding into shards of glass as their rounds take it apart and tore in to the body of the son-of-a-bitch who is trying to get past them to kill their brothers-American and Iraqi-bedded down in the barracks totally unaware of the fact that their lives at that moment depended entirely on two Marines standing their ground.  If they had been aware, they would have known they were safe…because two Marines stood between them and a crazed suicide bomber.  The recording shows the truck careening to a stop immediately in front of the two Marines.  In all of the instantaneous violence Yale and Haerter never hesitated.  By all reports and by the recording, they never stepped back.  They never even started to step aside.  They never even shifted their weight.  With their feet spread shoulder width apart, they leaned into the danger, firing as fast as they could work their weapons.  They had only one second left to live.

          The truck explodes.  The camera goes blank.  Two young men go to their God. Six seconds.  Not enough time to think about their families, their country, their flag, or about their lives or their deaths, but more than enough time for two very brave young men to do their duty…into eternity.  That is the kind of people who are on watch all over the world tonight-for you.

      We Marines believe that God gave America the greatest gift he could bestow to man while he lived on this earth-freedom.  We also believe he gave us another gift nearly as precious-our soldiers, sailors, airmen, Coast Guardsmen, and Marines-to safeguard that gift and guarantee no force on this earth can every steal it away.  It has been my distinct honor to have been with you here today.  Rest assured our America, this experiment in democracy started over two centuries ago, will forever remain the “land of the free and home of the brave” so long as we never run out of tough young Americans who are willing to look beyond their own self-interest and comfortable lives, and go into the darkest and most dangerous places on earth to hunt down, and kill, those who would do us harm.    

      God Bless America, and….SEMPER FIDELIS!"

The Obama's Christmas Card

If you did not get your copy of the Obama Christmas card this year you can read it here.

Here is an excerpt


You probably heard this story, but we have to tell it anyway: Barack clogged the toilet in the East Wing and—sorry, this is so embarrassing—the thing overflowed. It just kept spilling and spilling and spilling. At first the White House plumbers said it was under control. But the geyser only got worse. They tried mopping it up. They tried reverse suction. Michelle finally told Barack to "plunge the damn hole." That did the trick.

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Ambition

We all must aspire to something!

Tattoos

For those types who consider tattoos to be body art, here is a guide to what the locations of these mean.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Earmark Database

From Tom Coburn's blog

The end-of-the-year Omnibus Appropriations bill includes approximately $8.3 billion and 6,714 earmarks.
Click here for a working database of all the earmarks included in the Omnibus Appropriations bill. It's important to note that the database only refers to disclosed earmarks, not the billions in undisclosed earmarks.

Socialist President, Capitalist CEO's

The titans of American industry were all assembled at the White House complex Wednesday. There was Eric Schmidt, the CEO of Google. There was Kenneth Chenault, the chairman of American Express. And there was Barack Obama, the sometimes owner of General Motors, Chrysler, Citibank, Bank of America, AIG, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. 
...
It looked like a state visit because it was a state visit, in the sense that President Obama was hosting leaders who are, to his administration, very foreign. The land's leading capitalists were sitting down with a leader caricatured by many Republicans as a socialist, or even, in Newt Gingrich's view, a Kenyan anti-colonialist.


Read More Here

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Last Words

Some interesting last words

George Appel, a gangster, about to be executed by electrocution:
"Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel."


Lady Astor, First female member of Parliament, upon awaking to find herself surrounded by her entire family:   "Am I dying or is this my birthday?"


Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian:
"I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct."


Joe DiMaggio, baseball player, American legend:
"I'll finally get to see Marilyn." 


Thomas de Mahay Favras, upon being handed his official death sentence as he was led to the scaffold during the Reign of Terror:
"I see that you have made three spelling mistakes"


James French, sentenced to death in the electric chair:
"How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'."


John Sedgwick, Union Army General, was observing the lines at Spotsylvania when his men warned him to be wary of Confederate sharpshooters:
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."

Thanks to J-Walk 

Racism?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these days.
 
A  customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?”  
 
 The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”
 The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am.  But let me ask you something.  

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? 

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

“Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? 
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you  ask me if I’m Polish?”

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”


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Levitation

More Kill Devil Hills With Pearl

Monday, December 13, 2010

FAIL'S WORLD : Camel Inside Church Fail

Letter From Grandma


Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’
‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

via 

Can't Make 'Em Up

It Takes A Village

Bad Cat

Friday, December 10, 2010

Cyclic Numbers

Cyclic numbers are numbers whose digits always appear in the same order but rotated around when multiplied.  Here is an example.

142857
142857 * 2 = 285714
142857 * 3 = 428571
142857 * 4 = 571428
142857 * 5 = 714285
142857 * 6 = 857142

And now grasshopper, you can go back to your video games.

Redneck Security System

Geography For Retirees

…  Or those looking for a new place to live.
You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5.. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (ed note: if you have a car)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression..
You can retire to Maine where
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ……
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South where
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference, too.
You can retire to Colorado where
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor..
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
AND You can retire to Florida where
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


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Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns

Monday, December 6, 2010

Top 10 Low Flybys

Tweet of the Day



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Today

I called the Suicide Hotline and got a call center in Pakistan.  I told them I was thinking about suicide and they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.

Christmas Traditions

Santa was having a bad day.  Maybe the worst day of his long life.  It was a couple days before Christmas and he could not see how he was going to get all the gifts delivered.

The elves were trying to unionize and had a work slowdown going so they were way behind on making the toys.  Some of his suppliers were having trouble shipping the raw materials he needed and this was exacerbating the problem. The reindeer were sick with head colds and Rudolf could not get his nose to shine at all so Santa was looking at the possibility of flying with no navigation.  Mrs Clause kept nagging him because he had not finished the decorating.

Finally about 5 that evening Santa had had enough.  He went into his living room and poured himself a large scotch and settled into his easy chair to relax with his pipe and glass.  He had barely taken a sip when a little angel stuck her head through the doorway and cheerfully said "Santa, I have your Christmas tree here, where should I put it?"

And that boys and girls is why we always have an angel on top of our Christmas trees.

Unintentional But So Wrong

Duck Tales

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No,"
and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

200 Countries, 200 Years, 4 Minutes

Friday, December 3, 2010

TSA Calendar Girls























































First Politician Discovered

An archaeological team, digging in Washington DC , has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains
 of what is believed to be the first politician.


First politician


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The Most Ignorant Jock In the US

This from Neal Boortz

" Now this particular gladiator is named Andrel Rolle.  He plays for the NY Giants, know what I'm sayin'?  Throughout his life Rolle has probably never had to develop anything beyond his athletic ability.  And educated guess would be that he has been given an academic pass from about age 12 through his graduation --- if he graduated from college at all from the University of Miami. "

"Sooo ... I understand the Giants aren't exactly having a stellar season. In fact, the Giants fans seem to be developing a penchant for booing the team.  On Tuesday Andrel decided to respond to the fans ... and made this statement to the media:"

"They want to make it that guys paid this much money for a ticket. Yeah, I understand that, I understand completely. We risk ourselves out there on the field each and every day also. When soldiers come home from Iraq you don't boo them. I look at it the same way. I take my job seriously."

 Read the entire article here

Greatest Photobomb Ever

Now Why Didn't I Think of That

Random Happiness - Grocery Improv

Rest In Peace Pete

Anyone remember the Kinks?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

House of Representatives to get Womens Bathroom

It was announced today that after the Republicans take control of the House of Representatives, a women's bathroom will be installed in an office just off the floor and across the hall from a men's room.  Up to now the female representatives had about a two minute walk to get to a restroom while the men had the convenient access.  Future Speaker of the House John Boehner's office announced today that this would be done immediately thus remedying a great injustice.

It is not true however that a special facility in this bathroom would be installed for the use of Representative Nancy Pelosi.

The Baby Shower

Jimmy Dean ~ Drinking From My Saucer

Paving Daytona

This is an amazing engineering feat.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. 

As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
 
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
 
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?" 

"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
 
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep... "And, what about your best friend?"
 
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad Dog"

Whack-A-Mouse




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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What Mushrooms Did She Eat?

Funny Talking Animals - Walk On The Wild Side - Episode Two Preview - BB...

Some New Words

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6.. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running  late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole

Johnny Cash - God's Gonna Cut You Down

God's Gonna Cut You Down

Text from the video tribute:

Johnny Cash (born J. R. Cash; February 26, 1932 – September 12, 2003) was a Grammy Award-winning American singer-songwriter and one of the most influential musicians of the 20th century. Primarily a country music artist, his songs and sound spanned many other genres including rockabilly and rock and roll (especially early in his career), as well as blues, folk and gospel.

In 1997, Cash was diagnosed with the neurodegenerative disease Shy-Drager syndrome. The diagnosis was later altered to autonomic neuropathy associated with diabetes. This illness forced Cash to curtail his touring. He was hospitalized in 1998 with severe pneumonia, which damaged his lungs. The albums American III: Solitary Man (2000) and American IV: The Man Comes Around (2002) contained Cash’s response to his illness in the form of songs of a slightly more somber tone than the first two American albums. The video that was released for “Hurt”, a song by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, fit Cash’s view of his past and feelings of regret. The video for the song, from American IV, is now generally recognized as “his epitaph,” and received particular critical and popular acclaim.

June Carter Cash died on May 15, 2003, at the age of seventy-one. June had told Cash to keep working, so he continued to record and even performed a couple of surprise shows at the Carter Family Fold outside Bristol, Virginia. (The July 5, 2003 concert was his final public appearance.) At the June 21, 2003 concert, before singing “Ring of Fire”, Cash read a statement about his late wife that he had written shortly before taking the stage. He spoke of how June’s spirit was watching over him and how she had come to visit him before going on stage. He barely made it through the song. Despite his poor health, he spoke of looking forward to the day when he could walk again and toss his wheelchair into the river near his home.

Johnny Cash died less than four months after his wife, on September 12, 2003, while hospitalized at Baptist Hospital in Nashville, Tennessee. He was buried next to his wife in Hendersonville Memory Gardens near his home in Hendersonville, Tennessee.

On May 24, 2005, Vivian Liberto, Cash’s first wife and the mother of Rosanne Cash, and three other daughters, died from surgery to remove lung cancer. It was Rosanne Cash’s fiftieth birthday.

His stepdaughter, Rosie (Nix) Adams and another passenger were found dead on a bus in Montgomery County, Tennessee, on October 24, 2003. It was speculated that the deaths may have been caused by carbon monoxide from the lanterns in the bus. Adams was 45 when she died. She was buried in the Hendersonville Memorial Gardens, Hendersonville, Tennessee, near her mother and stepfather.

In June 2005, his lakeside home on Caudill Drive in Hendersonville, Tennessee, went up for sale by the Cash estate. In January 2006, the house was sold to Bee Gees vocalist Barry Gibb and wife Linda Gibb and titled in their Florida limited liability company for $2.3 million. The listing agent was Cash’s younger brother, Tommy Cash. The home was destroyed by fire on April 10, 2007.

One of Johnny Cash’s final collaborations with producer Rick Rubin, entitled American V: A Hundred Highways, was released posthumously on July 4, 2006. The album debuted in the #1 position on Billboard Magazines Top 200 album chart for the week ending July 22, 2006. Enough of Cash’s music was left to put together a posthumous album which he had helped plan. The album, American VI, is supposedly planned for release sometime in 2009.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Your Delivery of Delivery of Recursion Has Arrived

white trash repairs - Towing Recursion
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The Explanation

The wife  came home early and found her husband in their bedroom  making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she  was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she  cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the  mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce  right away!’
And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a  minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.’  ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words  you’ll say to me!’
And the husband began — ‘Well, I  was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady  here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and  defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the  car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well  dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten  for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her  home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,  the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put  on weight. The poor thing devoured them in  moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I  suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed  her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them  away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the  designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t  wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave  her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which  you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
I  found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that  you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those  boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear  because someone at work has a pair the same.’
The  husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so  grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her  to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and  said, ‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife  doesn’t use?’

via

Honest Abe - GEICO Commercial

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Turkey Hotline

If you think the radio talk shows get a lot of strange calls, take a look at some of the questions that the folks at the Butterball Turkey Talk-line have fielded over the years. They receive over 100,000 calls each year.  Here are just a few of the best:
  • Turkey thermometerCan I poke holes all over the turkey and pour a can of beer over it to keep it moist? You’ll do more harm than good- the skin keeps the moisture in. Poking holes in it will dry it out.
  • Can you thaw a frozen turkey using an electric hair dryer? Or by wrapping it in an electric blanket? In the aquarium with my tropical fish? In the tub while the kids are having their bath? No, no, no, and no. If you’re in a hurry, thaw the turkey in the kitchen sink by immersing it in cold water. Allow half an hour per pound, and change the water every half hour.
  • The family dog bit off a big piece of the turkey. Can the rest of it be saved? Maybe. If the damage is localized, cut away the dog-eaten part of the bird and serve the rest. Disguise the maimed bird with garnishes, or carve it up out of view of your guests and serve the slices. The less your guests know, the better.
  • The family dog is inside the turkey and can’t get out. A few years back, Butterball really did get a call from the owner of a chihuahua that climbed inside the raw bird while the owner’s back was turned. The opening was big enough for the dog to get in, but not big enough for it to get back out. The turkey expert instructed the owner on how to enlarge the opening without injuring the dog. (No word on whether the bird was eaten.) Butterball has also fielded calls from owners of gerbils and housecats. “I was told not to talk about that,” one Talk-line staffer told a reporter in 1997.
  • I’m a truck driver. Can I cook the turkey on the engine block of my semi while I’m driving? If I drive faster, will it cook faster? There’ve been cases in wartime where soldiers cooked turkeys using the heat of Jeep engines, but Butterball gives no advice on the subject.
  • I don’t want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey? Toss the turkey and go get some hot dogs.
  • The turkey in my freezer is 23 years old. Is it safe to eat? Butterball advised the caller that the bird was safe to eat, but that it probably wouldn’t taste very good. “That’s what we thought,” the caller told the Talk-line. “We’ll give it to the church.”
A few more questions asked of the hotline…
  • Does the turkey go in the oven feet first or head first?
  • Can I baste my turkey with suntan lotion?
  • How long does it take to thaw a fresh turkey?
  • When does turkey hunting season start?
  • How do I prepare a turkey for vegetarians?
  • How long does it take to cook a turkey if I leave the oven door open the whole time? That’s how my mom always did it.
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